Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
