Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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