Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
