found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
40s are totally the cure
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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