I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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