I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
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he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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