R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
