Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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