She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
