You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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