you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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