you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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