I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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