I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
