I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
