why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This is the high leading the old right now
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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