so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
