george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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