Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
