can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
