If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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