I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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