First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
