She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
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Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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