you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Found the puke drawer
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
