I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
