I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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