whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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