in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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