Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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