im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
