Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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