i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
