don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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