apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
