Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
