i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
