you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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