Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
