im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
