dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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