I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
