I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
