Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
