My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
