I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
so much tequila, so little girl.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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