Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize