Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
