this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
