Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
