Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
