i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
