That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize