This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i think my cat just said my name.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
