He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
