Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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