Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
