Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
