You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
