Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Randomize
