I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
