Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.