you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.