My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
