i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
