I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
